A Course to Pursue

Excited for her first day of Joy School

It has been a process, but I feel as though I'm on the brink of a break through breathing life in a little deeper.  It is all about re-prioritizing.  It is about reaching for goodness instead of mindless, for inspiration instead of emptiness.  It is easy to get swept away in the mindless unfulfilling abundance that the world has to offer.  If fact, my lesser habits urge me to go that direction.  Yet something has been calling from the depths of my soul telling me I've been missing the mark.  The human soul longs to make a difference, to feel life a little more completely, to be more present.  The danger of the mindless habits is not being aware and present of the possibilities of life swirling within grasp.

My re-prioritizing has been deepening my simple love.  It aids me to show and feel that love.  It started over a month ago when I stumbled across this quote,

Diligently doing what matters most will lead us to the Savior of the World   ~Dieter F. Utchdorf

These words struck my soul, and I thought, "This moment right here could be pivotal right now for me IF I act on this desire to make more of my life."  I sat and made a list of the things that matter most, first to my Savior, then to me.  The first thing on my list is the most important thing of all.  If I only have time in my busy day for that one thing, I still feel like I did enough at the end of my end.  I feel much more complete.

This list doesn't have my family neatly categorized because they are incorporated into each and every item.  For my number one to read, study and listen, I do that then take the time to do that with my children.  This goes for each and every important thing.  I feel more glimpses at the possibilities of life.   This life is wild, unpredictable, and precious.  Any treasures of creating a more meaningful one should be pursued with all diligence.

Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?   ~Mary Oliver

Bug Problems

My brain feels foggy, and my body is sluggish.  I'm certainly not on my A game lately.  I blame it on the bugs.  A couple of weeks ago, Benny started waking up off an on all through the nights going on and on about some pretend bugs coming to get him.  Looking back on the night it's quite endearing thinking back on Benny's sweet worried face telling me about it.  His lisp makes everything he says that much cuter.  Kam or I take turns snuggling him back to sleep.  Kam made Benny some "protection spray" out of water and something that smells good.  Benny sprays his room, bed, and himself down right before bed, and he's good to go.   It's been working great up until last night.  I awoke hearing bits and pieces of his muttering on and on about the big bugs.  Feeling like a zombie, I was frustrated about my interrupted sleep, but I pulled myself out of bed and took him by the hand.  I went up to tuck him back in and his bed was all wet.  He had woken up in a panic and reached for the spray.  I changed some blankets, rubbed his sore knee, then snuggled in with him to try and get a hour more of sleep before I had to wake up Jake for school.  Benny finally stopped talking his bug gibberish and I could see him begin to relax and drift off in the lava lamp light.  His last words before he fell asleep were, "Momma, you are my bug protection."

Being a mom can be a thankless job.  The daily grind and sacrifice can really wear a person down.  There is no public recognition and no pat on the back for the simple successes.  My realization for tonight is, I'm irreplaceable.  I am a source of strength, encouragement, love, and protection that no one can duplicate for my three in the same way.  It is painful and joyful, messy and perfect.  It isn't easy ridding the world of pretend bugs at 4:00am, but someone has to do it.  

Benny Bug chowing down on a crepe from the crepe truck.

The Best

There are so many times I feel like I'm dangling from the motherhood rope with my fingertips barely keeping hold and my feet flailing below.  I never can quite do it all, but I also know we aren't meant to.  That is where I'm constantly trying to figure out the good, the better, or the best use of my time.  I know I can't do it all.  There is not enough time in the day, week, or year to get to everything I crave to do.  There is not enough time in life.  That is why I yearn to prioritize the things I'm most passionate about.  The other things can fall through the cracks if they need to, instead of my most treasured things.  I feel a little sick to my stomach on the days I go to bed knowing I could have done better.  That is where Anne Shirley's voice pops into my head, "Tomorrow is always fresh with no mistakes in it."   I'm far from perfect,  but trying to be a bit better is a lot less overwhelming than perfectionism. 

After tucking sick Benny into bed tonight, I spent a little while dying eggs with Jake and Claire.  We've already had a couple different egg decorating sessions and egg hunts, but that hasn't satisfied their longing.  They don't care that we are now past Easter.  We painted on the porch.  Jake knocked over two different cups of dye.  We wiped it up, painted, laughed.  After we finished, Jake told me I am the best mom ever.  I laughed and he said, "What? it's true!"  Claire was thrilled about the pink and purple.  The way she says pink is darling.  She was thrilled about me coloring princess crowns on them.  I hid the eggs we colored.  Claire was so excited she found one that she ran around the yard in circles doing a little low hiiiyaaa kick.  I laughed with my heart nearly bursting with her cuteness.  In that moment I thought, " I'm not doing half bad."  My kids are happy.   I love them.  I don't do everything perfectly with them.  But I love them.  They are the best use of my time.

Live

There is much to do,

much to be,

much to say.

Lift me beyond gravity

up above solid ground.

 

Life is short.

Here than gone.

Sand slipping between fingers.

No stopping once it starts.

Ever rolling forward.

 

Seasons change,

Bloom and die

Spring then Fall once more

Little toes.

Out grown shoes-

walking blues.

 

Nothing left but moments,

Treasure box memories.

Time is fleeting.

Sunshine's bright whispering,

"Live here while you can."

Simple Love: Take One

One chaotic day, a couple of years ago, is etched in my mind.  I remember having a mountain load that I fiercely wanted to accomplish.  I don't remember many details from that busy day, but the day's end left me completely unsettled.  My body ached and my emotions bubbled.  I felt unsatisfied.  Having quickly tucked my little boys in bed, I threw my body on my bed, my arms stretched out on both sides, and stared at the ceiling.  The frustration of not meeting my expectations stared me in the face.  I didn't want to meet it's gaze.  I thought of escaping, but I felt pinned down by it's stare.  Having no place to go, I succumbed.  I tried to explain how I'm trying my hardest, but it saw through me.  I let it beat me down.  I squeezed my eyes shut, forbidding myself to cry.  The tears escaped out the corners and down the sides of my face.

Kam, eventually found me, after arriving late from a taxing day at work.  I was still lost in my frustration stare down when he softly slipped by my side.  He propped his head up with his hand and used his other to wipe the tears off my face.  He waited.  He is my waiting knight.  I finally vented life's sorrows according to me.  It can be painful trying to figure out how to become everything at once.  There are many things I love, and trying to divide myself into pieces to march off and become all of those dreams and goals was impossible.  I knew that the most important thing was pouring my love into the little souls in my keep, but that was hard with my soul divided. 

Kam took in what I was trying to say.  He gave it a minute or two then replied,

It's not what you get done, it's who you are becoming

Those words have popped into my head about a million times in the last couple of years.  Every time they do, life makes more sense.  If  I accomplish every goal I've ever made, but I'm not a person full of love then those accomplishments don't mean a thing.  My new goal in life is simple love.  I want those late night stare downs to be against a more compassionate foe.  Instead of tearing myself down, the answer is quite simple... love.

I believe the answer to this question will be the only one that matters after life is at it's end. . . Did you love?

Simple love is not extravagant.  It is consistent and genuine.  It is not self serving.  It is thoughtful.  Simple love sees the good and the bad, but chooses to see the good.  It is hopeful, encouraging, and warm.  Simple love believes in possibility.  I want to fill my soul with simple love every day.